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Before and Now

April 23, 2012

March 12th, 2012 11:08pm

Today was somewhat of a weird day; I found myself being asked the question of where my life was heading.

First, it was at work with the Dr. We weren’t doing much at around 5pm when he dove into the topic – I don’t even know how it was brought up really. I guess I told him that there was only four more weeks until classes were officially over, and that I was excited – no, that I was very excited. This semester has been the worst one yet. Not grades wise (to my own surprise, I’m doing pretty well), but just boring as hell. I’m taking classes like philosophy of mechanics and 17th Century Philosophy. Needless to say, I don’t think I need to show you the kind of papers I’m writing for you to figure out how boring these classes can be.

Anyway, so I was telling him how I can’t wait for the end of this semester, when he asked me if I was happy. I said, well no, not really, I am just trudging through this semester just to get it over with. He asked me if I would consider transferring home, since I love it there so much. That question shocked me – I had never considered such a thing! To keep this long story short, he was telling me that if I wasn’t happy here, I should transfer back home and not just be “sticking it out just to finish”. He was basically telling me to seize the day, be happy, do whatever I thought was right. That was that.

Then, while eating frozen yogurt in the cafeteria at the mall around dinner time, my roommate M brought up that same kind of question – “what do you want out of life” kind of thing. In my head, all I could think of was how strange today was turning out to be. She told me that she couldn’t understand why I do some of the things that I do. She said that in fact, she had been irritated at me for the past couple of days. Why? Basically because I’m not as fun as I used to be. She told me that a couple of days ago, it finally hit her how much I’ve really changed.  There were too many things being said during that conversation for me to remember it now. But I do remember one thing: you live in the future, but not in the present. Well, she said something along those lines. In fact, the way she said it was better, but I can’t remember it now.

When she said that, the first thing I thought was how true that was. There’s nothing enjoyable about the present really; all I can hope for is the future. “The Present” in general is boring, I think. The present is what you know, it’s the here and the now; it’s what is true. But the future is a wonderful thing. It’s unknowable – there are just endless possibilities! So why would I want to live in the present when I can live in the future? It’s much more fun that way anyhow.

I’ve noticed, actually, that for the past few days, M kept telling me to basically, “seize the day”. She knows that I am awkward with emotions; affection is alien to me, I just don’t know how to open up. A couple of days ago, I was telling her about the biography of poet, Matthew Arnold that I had read earlier. I was telling her of how tragic it must have been for him to leave his wife and daughter in France, to go to England, without being able to return to them because of the French Revolution. That was when she said, well see, you should tell people you love them before it’s too late. I chuckled and told her that I’ve got all the time in the world.

But this, I do not know for sure. I only said that because I didn’t actually have a good reason for holding back my emotions. I don’t know why I am the way I am. M and I were discussing how I used to be so carefree, so happy, like a little girl. I have just become too too serious and I want to go back. I want to be a child again. Strange, because all of my life, all I ever wanted was to grow up. But really, I have grown up too quickly.

What’s the one thing that I hate most about myself? That I have to rationalize everything – that I think too much. I remember those couple of days after Christmas, I sat around and just “thought” all day, for about three or four days. Really, that’s what I did! And during those days, I was driving myself nuts. My nails were chewed down to the core, I was fidgety all the time, I lied about the whereabouts of my phone so that I wouldn’t have to talk to people. I just wanted to crawl into a corner and just stop everything – stop thinking, stop things that were going on around me, stop time.

Over the reading week that just passed three weeks ago, I flipped through my high school yearbooks just to read people’s comments. All of them were literally the same: “you’re so ambitious!”, “chase your dream superstar!”, “you’re going to go far”, “pave the way for people to follow”, etc. Those comments made me sad because I didn’t feel like they were applicable anymore. Who have I become?

Who have I become? Who was I before and who am I now? Was this person I am now always within me, just never brought up to the surface? Or is this person I am now just an illusion conjured up by my imagination?

M said something to me which made me sad. Yesterday, she said that she remembered going on a virtual ride with someone at her birthday party two years ago. She asked me if that was me. I said that yes, it was in fact me, and that it was my first time going upside-down on any ride. Then today, she brought up the same memory. She told me that as bad as it sounds, she couldn’t even place me in that memory. Why not? Because I have changed so much and that I am so different from that person that I was before. She said that it was like I had bounced from one extreme to another extreme. I’ve known for a long time that I have changed a lot. But now, other people are noticing it too, and I’m not sure that I like it.

I don’t want to think about this anymore. I’m going to stop writing about it now.

More than fifteen years have past – same place, same me(?)
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