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For Auld Lang Syne

April 23, 2012

December 30th, 2011 11:14pm

This time of year always fills me with much ambivalence.

I don’t know what it is. Perhaps among all of the festivities and merriment, I am reminded that times have become much more complicated than they used to be. Or perhaps the thought of a new year being just around the corner scares me. Who knows which one it is?

Sometimes I think so much – too much, that it fills me with this extreme anxiety. What if things go wrong? What if things don’t go according to plan? What if things fall behind schedule? In the same way, the new year always brings with it some uncertainty. What if things go wrong? What if things don’t go according to plan? What if things fall behind schedule?

I always make a “New Year’s Resolutions” list every single year. I can’t help it – I love lists, they help me keep track of things and make sure that all of my goals are met. Sure, every year I always complete some of the things on that list. But it’s funny – I never imagined things would turn out the way they did.

The idea of “indirection” is a notable theme in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. It was evident that he wanted to convey to his audience how funny life is. People are always wanting to get somewhere in life. Shakespeare has shown that we may set ends, but we will almost never get there in a straight line. Instead, we will get there by ways of indirection. Things happen along the magical path to the end – things that we would never imagine would happen.

In this way, the idea of indirection has been an important theme in the story that is my life. I am not very much surprised at the events that took place over the course of this year. These things happen, it’s not a big deal at all. But I am somewhat surprised at the person who I have become. I am surprised, but not in a bad way. Though, I do question if this is really the person I am. Who was that person I was before then, if this is person who I am now is really me? That person who laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed so much? Who was that person who never gave much thought to the seriousness of life? Who was that person who was always on the fence about things? Who was that person who held a passive attitude towards everything?

Is that who I really am? Or was that someone who isn’t actually me, and the person who I am now is really me?

Oh! But who knows? Who really knows? I don’t know! I’m still figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I’m still figuring out if my memories of the past are real or whether they are just figments of my imagination. I’m still wondering if I am really here, typing this blog post. For all I know, I could be a Brain-in-a-Vat, on Alpha Centauri, being stimulated to believe that I am here, typing this blog post. You see, I am still figuring out lots of things.

As the year comes to a close, and the final curtain draws, all I know is that there are many things that I do not know. Sure, I know some things – trivial things mostly. But there is a world out there of things that I do not know, things that are waiting to make themselves known to me! And oh hark! The Angels will sing when the new year arrives and everything will be fresh again. The air will smell of crisp coldness, filling my lungs with happiness and my heart with hopes and dreams. New beginnings, new experiences, and new fears. It won’t be about starting over. No, it will be about starting at the beginning. New. That’s what it will be – new.

I can feel it already. The new year is going to be one of very many new experiences. Perhaps maybe this will be the year that I will figure out who I am and who I want to be. To 2011, it’s been a good year; one of much introspection, one of deep reflection. But the new year will be better because it always is. Things always do get better.

So let us give thanks and toast to this occasion for old times sake – Auld Lang Syne.

Happy New Year everybody. Here’s to wishing for exciting times ahead! 2012!

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