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Resentment, release thy clasp on my heart

April 23, 2012

6:38pm Thursday, December 23/10 (Something old that I found from one of my previous blogs. What a message this one holds.)

Have you ever resented a person so much that even words could not express what you were feeling? And try as you might, those feelings that you keep trying to bury deep under just keep coming back up to the surface. If it were up to you, this person would not even exist in the world. Well at the very least, this person would not exist in your world.

This person, time after time, keeps coming back to haunt you, in your dreams, in your nightmares, in reality. Every single time that you interact with this person, every sense in your body screams out to you. Run, it tells you. Run and never look back. But then, that little buried feeling at the bottom of your heart whispers something, and that’s the only thing that you can hear, even above all of the hellish screams. The whispers tell you that maybe there is some hope left. That maybe, this person won’t break your heart, or disappoint you, or forget about you again. You tell yourself that this is crazy but you reach out your hand nonetheless. You’re willing to make this sacrifice, this commitment, but the fact of the matter is, you’re scared as hell.

But you tell yourself that you need to take this leap of faith, because isn’t life all about taking risks? So you reach your hand out, hoping that he will grasp it in his palm. You fall backwards, hoping that he will catch you. You’re not afraid of anything because you know that if you fail, he’ll be there to rock you in his arms, gently cooing you to blissful slumber. You fantasize of great moments together, and disappointment seems impossible. But suddenly, someone pushes you, and you fall, and no one there is there to catch you. And you realize that he was never really there after all. He was just a figment of your imagination, a shadow lingering from all of the empty promises that he couldn’t keep. This idea is hard to grasp, but you eventually come to terms with it.

You begin to distance yourself from the people who love you most. You are careful, oh so careful, not to let anyone in, because you know that it could end in disappointment. You know this and you’re afraid that your heart won’t be able to handle it this time around. So you live your life behind a glass wall, hoping that it would protect from all of life’s harms. And as you watch the sand in the hourglass of time, trickling away, you realize that time is running out and your moment to shine is almost over. So you shatter the mirror, the piece of glass, and let your rage run wild. You tell the world that you are tired of being alone, that you are tired of so many people depending on you, and that you are tired of the world having certain expectations of you. You curse and use God’s name in vain. But eventually, you realize that it was neither God’s fault nor anyone else’s, just his. Him, the man that didn’t catch you the first time you fell; the man that promised you the world when you were a mere little girl. Finally, you remember why and how much you resented this man, and you tell yourself that you still do. Now, you take this thought, and you bury it back deep down under. But this time, you have come to terms with it and you know that it won’t be back to haunt you, because this time, unlike the last time, you won’t allow it to hurt you anymore.

And then, you continue on with your life, but this time, you’re on the other side of the glass wall.

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