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To Be or Not to Be

August 8, 2012

So this is officially my 100th post. While walking home from class today, I thought about what would be an appropriate subject for this post. I decided that I would probably write something about “finding myself” and about how writing has changed me… and blah blah blah.

But by the time I got home, I was too tired to do anything so I decided that I would put off writing this post until I was “in the mood”.

Also on my way home, I thought a lot about religion. I had the sudden thought this afternoon that it would be extremely amazing to become Buddhist nun. I have had this thought before, but only in passing. Today though, I was giving it some serious thought. What would it be like to be a Buddhist nun? I thought. Surely everything would be so peaceful.

Over the past year or so, I have been actively striving towards inner peace. Today, I realize that I am the most content and am most peaceful when I am sitting on the grass, under large trees, listening to classical music. After having written a letter to a friend, I sat in this beautiful area full of trees and cobblestone, watching people go by, squirrels scurrying about, and birds pecking at seeds. I did this while listening to thisOh how wonderful life is! I thought. In that moment, I felt as though the world was beautiful. I said to myself, I could never be happier than I am now.

But when I was walking home, my high disappeared. I felt so conflicted even though I was listening to the exact same song. Why? Because all of a sudden, I felt as though I was grasping all of the suffering that goes on in the world and didn’t know how I could go about fixing it. All of a sudden, I felt tremendous sadness towards myself and towards all the creatures that live on this planet.

I then thought about how I could go about becoming a Buddhist nun. It would be way too hard, I thought. I would never be able to do it. But that’s exactly what I said about becoming a vegetarian. I thought I could never become a vegetarian and look at me now. I don’t even have the desire to going back to meat and can’t even imagine it. But this is different. This is a much bigger commitment! I could never do it. I am too attached to this world. But perhaps there are some things that I can do….

Studying the moral teachings of many philosophers have taught me many things. But most importantly, they have made me think very hard about my values. I find Kant’s Categorical Imperative and Aristotle’s Virtue Ethics fascinating. Slowly, over the past two years, I have been taking bits and pieces of different moral theories and implementing them into my daily life. I find that through these little steps, I have achieved a much more peaceful mind and am able now to drown out all of the noise of everyday life. But hey, this doesn’t mean that I am “enlightened” or anything near perfection. I’m still working towards that; it just means that I know what to do now whenever I need a little “time-out” from life.

Anyway, like I was saying… I don’t ever think I could become a Buddhist nun; it would be too hard. It would mean giving up some of my hopes and dreams; it would also mean to dissolve my connections with others, this of which, I cannot do. So instead, I have resolved to being the best that I can be. I think, subconsciously, I have always felt this way, but I never really thought about it until now. I know that during this past few years, I have been making efforts to simplify my life, and really, it has made me so much happier. Some people don’t understand. But it doesn’t matter though, because the people I care most about, do understand. I’ll elaborate on my values in another post, but the whole reason I wanted to write this short blurb was because I thought of something funny. (Strange huh? This post started off as being so serious, and now, I’m throwing in a comedic twist!)

A couple months back, when I got home to Toronto, I had pulled a book on Buddhism off my bookshelf, leafed through it for a couple of minutes, only to place it down under a stack of books accumulating on my radiator. So when I got home from class today, I made a decision to educate myself on all things Buddhism. Of course, my parents (especially my dad) had always told me things here and there, but I had never really kept my ears fully opened. So anyway, I read a bit and decided that I was going to do some research online. After doing that for about an hour or two, I decided to go on Youtube. I saw a video on the homepage that caught my attention (it was on a totally unrelated subject: texting), and well, you know the story, one video led to another (as is always the case with Youtube)…. At last, I found myself at a video called, “How to Tell if a Guy is Attracted to You Instantly” and let me tell you, I couldn’t stop smiling! I found it so incredibly amusing. It took all the energy in me not to roll over squirming and giggling. Why? Because if you can recall, the post before the last one was called, “Young Love (pt. 2)”, and was about a crush that I currently have on a boy.

And like I texted to my friend AZ,

I’m giving it (becoming a nun thing) some serious thought this time! Of course, I could probably never do it…. I love boys too much. This requires some more reflection!

Click here for the video and see if you can stop yourself from rolling over and giggling! (I’d also like to add that I scrolled through a list of videos on “The Science of Attraction” and I just find them all so darn amusing! I cannot stop laughing! Man, I am such a little girl!)

Ah life and love! Just when I thought I could escape the life of a nineteen going on twelve year-old, it pulls me right back in! Arg!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Rikostyusha permalink
    August 16, 2012 6:13 pm

    wow… this post made me think! to be honest i am not familiar with Buddhists values at all… all what i know that suffering in your life is okay… i might be wrong… I can’t wait for your other blogs where you will describe your values! 🙂

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