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The Language of (Some) Men

May 10, 2013

This post is part two of “The Language of College Bros.

Setting: Starbucks Café. 2:30 p.m. Thursday, March 9th, 2013.

Two men dressed in business attire enter the café. They both look like they are in their early thirties. Man #1 scans the café for a table. There is an empty one next to Tina, and he walks up to it and leaves his cell-phone on the table to reserve it. He and his friend then line up to get their coffee. Tina thinks that it’d be really funny if she hid his cellphone… just to teach him not to leave his valuables unattended. She doesn’t do it because it would make things awkward. The two men return to the table with their coffees in hand.

Man #2: So you guys broke up?

Man #1: Yeah…. I’m meeting her tomorrow just to work out some stuff. Mostly just financial stuff.

Man #2: I’m sorry man.

Man #1: Yeah, it was just unfortunate — that’s all.

Man #2: Well, better now than later, right?

Man #1: Right. I guess it was just an engagement. But I did really care about her.

Man #2: The best way to deal with a break-up is to take up a hobby.

Man #1: Oh yeah, I’m going to start working out again. Maybe try fishing. Yeah, I’ll be busy.

Man #2: Yeah, when I broke up with blank, I took a trip. I had to get away. Get my mind off things.

[…]

Man #2: This one girl I met was really great. We had a lot of fun together. But one minute, she’s showing me all of these pictures of Koala bears and all the places she’s travelled to, and the next minute, I find all of these pictures on Facebook of her with a wedding ring and a five-year-old kid! And she was only 28!

Man #1: What?? You learned about all of these things through her pictures?!

Man #2: Yeah!

Man #1: So what did you do?

Man #2: I blocked her. I didn’t have much of a choice. There are some crazies out there… but that’s part of the fun I guess. They give you the best stories.

[…]

Man #2: What was wrong with her? Stage five clinger?

[…]

Man #1: Girls between 20 to 25…. So stupid: all they want to do is get drunk as f–k.

[…]

Man #1: Every time I run into my ex-girlfriend, she will literally turn around and run away. It’s been four years, and she still does that. What the f–k?

[…]

(and Tina’s personal favourite)

Man #1: Even the best girls say the stupidest sh-t. If we were in a common law, that would be different. It’s just so hard to find a good, hard-working motivating girl who’s loyal and has good values.

Man #2: Good family values.

Man #1: Yes, good family values.

I swear, I’m not as creepy as I come off. I was innocently sitting beside the two men, writing a very humorous short-story about photocopier problems in the office. I swear, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop; it just happened. I swear, the old lady sitting across from them were staring at them just as much as I was staring at them. I swear!

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