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Dear Canada Post

June 14, 2013

Dear Canada Post,

I am writing tonight to express my dissatisfaction with your mailing services. At first, I thought I could let it slide, but now, I just can’t take it anymore. You have failed me on more than one occasion. Let me explain.

On May 26th, I received a text message from my friend, Mr. CG, which stated that he had sent me a letter the prior week. As you can imagine, I was overcome with glee at the thought that a crisp letter would soon be in my hands. As the days dragged on by, the realization that my letter might not ever come dawned on me. You see, this is not the first time that a letter addressed to yours truly was lost in the mail.

Might I point out that you should probably do some reworking and retraining at all of the post offices in Ontario and Quebec, provinces in which I send and receive most of my letters. When I tried to send a letter to Mr. CG at the beginning of May, I received it back in my mailbox the next day. I soon realized that the post office nearest to that particular mailbox probably did not know how to read letters addressed “European style,” i.e., with the sender’s address on the back of the envelope. I found that peculiar given that I have often sent mail addressed “European style.” After re-addressing the letter “Anglo style,” I dropped it the mailbox once more. Mr. CG informs me that he received it approximately a week after I sent it, which I guess is pretty standard. However, there was one time when I addressed a letter to Ms. AZ who was residing in Hong Kong at the time, and she received the letter in just a few days. She claims it was because of the “Par Avion” sticker I stuck on the envelope. I didn’t think it was likely but the next time I wrote to her, I stuck on another “Par Avion” sticker for good measure. She didn’t receive that letter for two weeks. As you can gather from the rather lengthy paragraph I have just written, you should 1) familiarize yourself and your employees with European styles of addressing letters, and 2) be more consistent with the speed at which you deliver mail. You inconsistency gives me, as well as millions thousands of others, false hope.

I should probably tell you that I photocopy all of my letters before I send them. Why? Well, this should be obvious to you given the thesis of this letter. I photocopy all of my letters just in case they get lost in the mail. You see, I go to great pains to write lovely letters; in fact, many hours are spent to produce the best of letters. So you see, I have to photocopy them… just in case. Also, it doesn’t hurt to keep a record for myself. I think it was the author Charles Dodgson (a.k.a. Lewis Carroll) who kept, catalogued, and cross-referenced all of his correspondences. Now I’m no Lewis Carroll, but my memory is awful, so that’s another reason why I photocopy my letters. But I digress.

Perhaps it will interest you to know that if I switch over to UPS or FedX, you will be losing a very valuable customer. Very valuable. But I’ll have no choice if you keep going at this rate. Writing letters to people and receiving them is my main mode of communication. Well okay, not really. My main mode of communication is e-mail since I don’t have Facebook nor do I check my phone very often. But letter writing is my favourite mode of communication. It’s just so Romantic — with a capital “R.” If I can’t write letters, how else will I be able to show people I care about them? You see, I reserve letter writing for people I care most about, e-mailing for second raters, texting for acquaintances, and no-talking to people I dislike. Of course, I reserve smiling and batting my eyelashes for strangers, i.e., cute boyzz. But again, I digress.

You know, if it weren’t for your cool collectable stamps like the special edition Will and Kate ones, I would have left your side ages ago. I also like the normal ones too — the ones that look like Anne’s Green Gables on P.E.I. But sometimes, your Christmas stamps are quite tacky, like the ones with the gingerbread men on them. I even downloaded an app onto my iPhone to make the stamps come to life. It was quite fun at first, decorating and dressing them, but it quickly got boring.

I think I have been staying with you for too long now. It must be the fond memories of writing letters to Santa and mailing it to “North Pole, HOH OHO.” I remember the elves singing that on T.V. oh so clearly in my mind: “Write to Santa, North Pole! HOH OHO!” But then I found out that you didn’t actually send those letters to Santa and that you had volunteers writing responses back to us kids. How dare you. And you still do that now?! Think of all of the kids you’re misleading. I was ready to forgive you, but then I found out that only Canada Post workers could volunteer as Santa-letter writers. How dare you!

So, in summary, I am deeply disappointed in you. And as we all know from interacting with our parents, disappointment is much worse than outright anger. But perhaps you want me to forgive you. After all, I once read in the paper that you were going bankrupt because not many people are mailing letters these days. I send my condolences, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You’ve got to do something about it.

Actually, it appears as though you are doing something about it. I just checked your website and you have a “What kind of postal service do you need in the future?” page up. Good for you. Finally, one thing you’re doing right. Let me just say that I am sorry to hear that Canadians mailed almost one billion fewer letters in 2012 than they did in 2006. If only you could deliver mail on time, I would send one billion more letters to make up for that loss. I also think you should blame Twitter and Facebook; they just make things too easy. Also, they deliver messages 99.999999% of the time… unlike you.

Wait a minute, if you’re delivering one billion fewer letters, then what’s with all of the problems?

One more chance Canada Post, I’m giving you one more chance. You better hope that I eventually receive Mr. CG’s letter or else I’m switching to FedX. I also gave specific instructions to Mr. CG not to address his letter to me in European style, so you’ve got no excuses. One last time Canada Post. Mark my words.

With all due respect,

Ms. TT

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