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Present Me

March 19, 2014

I wasn’t going to write this post.

I originally planned to when I set my alarm clock to go off for 6:15 a.m. this morning, but then when I woke up this morning, I decided that I’d much rather read Northanger Abbey.

I haven’t written much in a while, and it eats at me at least twice every week. I’m a strong believer in “making time” when you “don’t have time.” I really don’t believe in the sentence “I don’t have time”–it’s just an excuse for not wanting to “make time.” But for the past month, I’ve found myself buried under heaps of paper and books, and it became so easy to say, “I don’t have time!”

I don’t have time to write! I constantly told myself. I need to do this, this, this, and that.

When reading week hit, I had a lot of time. Actually, I spent most of that time watching documentaries in bed or walking around aimlessly. I just didn’t feel like writing that week… or doing much else either. I needed a mental break.

Then when I got back to school, it was back to the usual “I don’t have time!”

But now, I’m making time, so here goes:

I decided to write this post today because I just recently received an e-mail from my past self. Weird huh? I received an e-mail from my 18-year-old self–an e-mail that was composed on this day, exactly three years ago.

For some time over the past couple of months, my mind had occasionally drifted off to that e-mail. I remembered writing it, but I didn’t remember what I had written and when I had set it to be delivered. All I knew was that there was this e-mail waiting for me sometime at the end of my undergraduate studies.

And today, I got it.

Screenshot 2014-03-19 12.07.27

Despite the incorrect usage of one or two prepositions (can you spot them?) and the copious fragmentary sentences, I think the e-mail is sweet.

The letter exemplifies where I was in that stage in my life: a fragmentary stage. I didn’t know where my life was heading, (my mom didn’t know where my life was heading,) it was my first year living away from home, I was perpetually surrounded by new faces….

Yet, I was hopeful. Hopeful. Every other sentence began with “I hope,” and I think that is wonderful.

I am a very hopeful person because I believe the good in people and the good in the universe. Good things must happen to good people and things must turn out well for people who do good things. This is what I hope for and this was what I hoped for.

And I thank my lucky stars that I didn’t give up hope because I am in a wonderful stage in my life. I’m glad to say that I am happy with what I have accomplished in the past three years, that my mom is no longer breathing down my back (although she never fails to call me every night), and that I am smiling ever so bright because I have surpassed the biggest obstacle that my life has presented me thus far: I am no longer afraid of myself, of what I can accomplish, and of who I can be.

The Monday before last was my most accomplished day this year. My English professor smiled at me and gave me an impressive look as he handed me back my midterm. He told me that I had achieved the second highest mark in class of 80 people. You have no idea how much this meant to me (especially when I was so sure that I had gotten a B- or a C+), and I am sure that my eighth-grade English tutor, Shirley, would have been proud of me too. Sometimes, I, myself, can’t believe how I went from barely passing my English classes (from despising reading and writing) to the writer I am today. There was this one time when I was about 10 years old, and my dad had bought me a hard cover copy of Alice in Wonderland. I remember it so well in my mind. It was beautifully bound and had one of those nice clear plastic coverings too. But I hated that book. None of it made any sense to me at all. How could she grow so big? How could she be so tiny? I remember my dad making me sit on the love seat in our living room and read it aloud, but I also remember how he went into the garden to water the plants, and I would read one page and flip over five.

I reread Alice in Wonderland last summer; I liked it better this time around, but it’s still not my favourite…. But I digress.

Returning to that Monday… That Monday was also accomplishing for me because I told my mom that I was going to NYC this summer for a trip with my BFF, SY, and that there was nothing she could do about it (except I didn’t really word it that way…), and all she said was “Sure.” I really thought she would need more convincing than that. So hooray! Success!

And finally, the crème de la crop was awaiting in my e-mail inbox, for at the end of that night, I received an e-mail that was all at once surprising, wonderful, and reassuring.

Screenshot 2014-03-19 15.55.28

Hooray for achievements! And hooray for going somewhere with my life in the past 3 years! I’ve submitted my “letter of intent,” handed in my transcripts, and got my reference letters in.

Here’s to hoping that the next 3 years will be just as successful!

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